Errant journalist Jonathan Leigh has in afternoon of Tuesday July 30th 2013, offered sincere apologies to the Judiciary over his recent rudeness. His exact words are carried on our front page as a news report but here is a satirical rendition of what he probably should have said. ENJOY! :-) :
SATIRE:- "I am very sorry for my rudeness my Lord. Please accept my sincere apologies for my uncouth behaviour and unwarranted rudeness towards your person and all others affected. I am an adult male of some 50 odd years but I am always behaving like a spoilt brat using my newspaper to attack decent people like Sylvia Blyden at the slightest chance with unbelievable and abominable LIES.
I stand in front of you this morning begging for mercy today my Lord. After spending 7 long days inside the cells of BAMBAKAYAKA along Pademba Road, I have now come to my senses and I promise to behave myself whilst standing trial in front of you my Lord. Infact, I am already begging Momoh Konte for us to settle the matter out of court because I am just a foolish brat inside a man's adult body.
So please have mercy on this cursed brat standing in front of you. Please, please forgive my unconscionable rudeness. As for those morons calling themselves to be SLAJ leaders, please ignore their comments against the Sierra Leone Judiciary. Remember that these are the same foolish ignoramuses who actually marched to the Ombudsman to report the Judiciary one time. Can you imagine such ignorance my Lord?
In this current case they are making noise over, My Lord, who does not know that all over the civilised world today, when the Bench gives bail conditions, it is left to the administrative Master of the Court to ensure the conditions set are capable of being fulfilled by the Surety who presented himself? These ignorant SLAJ chaps are the ones who are expected to educate the rest of the country through the media. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy! Lord have mercy on this country!
Kelvin Lewis of AWOKO was once reported as having confessed to taking a huge loan from a local bank. So if the Master asks him to provide a bank statement showing he has a positive balance and will be able to pay 50 million leones if I abscond (as I am known to have done one time in 1999 when ECOMOG was looking for me as a NINJA suspected of ties with RUF rebels), what is wrong with that?
As for Sorie Fofana of GLOBAL TIMES, my other surety who presented himself to the Master, people still remember the report that he is houseless and was reportedly thrown out of his brother's house at Kingtom over heh.. heh... heh which he denied but the truth is that he no longer stays there and is still houseless. Can such a man be taken on his own face value merit to stand surety for 50 million leones? Surely not my Lord. So the Master was quite correct¬† and right to carry out duties as laid down. SLAJ duds are continuing to expose their idiotic state of affairs as always. When 50 year old 'boys' run an association, this is what happens.
Talking of "boys will be boys", look at that 60 years old other boy called Julius Spencer. They say Julius Spencer was yesterday 'pulling hint' at SLAJ headquarters like a primary school thug saying at the SLAJ Meeting that the SEA (or was it river he said in his pull-hint mode?) was responsible for influencing the bail conditions for my case. What is wrong with Spencer? Is he trying to say that when he was in the Executive arm of government, he used to influence the Judiciary? What a confession my Lord!
This same Spencer whose stint at Radio Democracy FM98.1 was no better than Ferdinand Nahimana and Jean-Bosco Barayagwiza of Rwanda's Radio Tťlťvision Libre des Mille Collines (RTLM) should learn to pick his battles wisely. Hint Know in Master and Kabaslot know in missis. Enti de bra na Krio?
Anyway, my Lord, I stand before you on my two bended knees to apologise for my rudeness on my Facebook wall against your person and also my rudeness in my newspaper.
I also want you to extend apologies to her Lady the Honourable Chief Justice for my attack on her integrity. Yes the whole world knows that she is a good friend of my BÍte Noir, the SEA at State House, for many many years now even before she became the Chief Justice, but the world also knows that the Chief Justice has never positively influenced anything on behalf of the SEA. If anything, the SEA has even suffered having to always cross her 't's and dot her 'i's at the judiciary as everyone knows she is a friend of the Chief Justice and so to avoid any excuse over that, all legal issues are done to perfection.
And yet, though the SEA enjoys no special privileges, I insulted my good Lady Chief Justice that it was Sylvia, my BÍte Noir, who used her friendship to have me jailed. Please beg the Chief Justice to forgive me my Lord.
My Lord, the truth is that my conscience flogs me since I know that I and others moulded from the same terrible cloth like me, have tried to paint this great woman Dr. Sylvia Olayinka Blyden, black all the time with some of the most nasty language ever in print against a woman but she normally ignores us. To my painful realisation, she particularly ignores me especially like I am beneath her contempt!! It hurts my ego so bad when I attack her and she looks the other way.So, I just assumed that since she is only human, she might have devised this revenge method but I was wrong.
You see, Momoh Konte is a soak lepet and I warn all to be careful around him. When I landed in court this time, I was thinking I will be let loose like I was during the UDM Mohamed Bangura many cases he brought against me but little did I know Momoh Konte is not Mohamed Bangura. I was shocked when Momoh Konte's no-nonsense lawyer Agi Manley Spaine stood his ground and exposed me for all to see my worthlessness and rude character.
Oh how I exposed myself my Lord! I really behaved like a bigman bigfool as I walked into a well laid Divine trap by the Almighty who judges all when the time is right.
Now, instead of accepting my rudeness caused my woes, I started to blame Sylvia Blyden and every other person but myself including you, my good Magistrate. I ask for forgiveness. Please sir, forgive this cursed soul who abuses innocent mothers of his victims.
On this note, after such a long treatise, my Lord I want to end by again apologising most profusely and begging you to ignore those duds at SLAJ as they are not fit for purpose; Journalists who do not know duties of High Court Master includes ensuring bail conditions set, are capable of being met by sureties who present themselves.
I have been a bad boy, sorry a bad man, but I trust you will temper your rightful displeasure over my rudeness with mercy and re-instate my bail again today. I am already engaged in serious begging of Momoh Konte to withdraw this matter. I promise you I will be a good boy, sorry, a good boy-man. Oh sorry again, I meant a good journalist; an ethical one who does not do mammy cuss like before.
Bless you my Lord as you forgive this rapscallion sweating like a goat in front of you. This is Jonathan Leigh of Independent Observer ending this long apology. I am sorry Sir for my rudeness!Ē
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Newspaper in Freetown, Sierra Leone.